Waka Waka World Cup 2010 Review

India is in full world cup swing and there is no escaping it, especially if you are not at work and have plenty of spare time (like us) . Although not fielding a team this tournament, India’s enthusiasm for football is very much in evidence. Driving along even small country roads we’ve seen huge billbords and posters, proudly showing support for the teams local business are supporting (Argentina and Brazil mostly). Since being here we’ve watched virtually every game, scoring us enough taxi chat points to last a lifetime.

Despite my lack of football knowledge I have a few points I’d like to raise.

England’s poor performances – Thankfully we missed England’s or rather: ‘Team Capello’s’ first game as it was on at 2am and there was some kind of alarm clock malfunction. However for England’s second game we were less fortunate. England are the most miserable team I’ve seen, lead by sour faced captain Steven Gerrard. The Algerian team on the other hand looked genuinely pleased to be there, being paid to play a game no less!

Apparently England have some really good players, but fail to ‘gel as a team’, hence the poor results. I think I know what the problem is. And there are a few. Firstly there is no one on the team with the X-Factor. Beckham had it, Shearer had it, but Rooney, hasn’t got it. No amount of Hello photo shoots will change this either. It’s clear Wayne is having trouble scoring goals because he’s up all night with his and Coleen’s new baby. I know this because its plastered all over some magazine. Less photo shoots more kicking practise needed.

Secondly they got the wrong guy out of retirement. I can’t remember if Carrick kicked the ball once the whole game, but I’m sure if they had got Gazza on the pitch, even if England had still lost, he would have got into a fight that we could all have been proud of.

And finally the team don’t like each other – something to do with them all sleeping with each other’s wives (Official term: WAG swap) . That’s why they couldn’t link a pass together all match. I’ve seen wheel chair rugby with more fluidity.

One ball to rule them all - FIFA don’t seem content with using inflated pigs bladders and stitched leather any more. Instead they’ve employed someone from the Italian Space Agency to come up with the ‘Jabulani ball’, capable of bending through time and space to trick the opponent. Yet, as far as I can tell this million Euro ball is much like kicking a balloon inflated with helium making scoring a goal as likely as wining the Euro millions draw. Jabulani should stick to making Roman candles.

Shakira – I have mixed feelings about Shakira and her world cup anthem ‘Waka Waka’. The tune is undeniably catchy, and there is something slightly more visually appealing about her than Baddiel and Skinner ever were. But I keep getting a re-occurring dream that in three months time I’ll be sitting on a bus going to work, when a bratty school child pulls out his phone blearing out ‘Waka Waka’, I garrotte the child and throw his phone under the wheels of the bus. Bad Shakira.

Crap attempts to win free kicks – It would appear that the most highly regarded footballers are, as the commentators put it the ones who ‘earn free kicks’ from being fouled. Christiano Ronaldo - The most expensive player in the world happens to be the best at this. He can trip over thin air quite beautifully which the referees can’t help but fall for every time. If he’s going to win all these free kicks the opposing team should at least make the most of ‘injuring’ him with a team pile-on him until he really is injured.