Joe’s Thailand Massage Review

Options:
1. Get massaged by you girlfriend.
2. Get massaged by a small Thai man.
3. Get massaged by a school of fish.

Option 1 is always a good, although if you ask too many times girlfriend will get bored and feel used.

Option 2 is guaranteed to leave you feeling bruised, slightly concerned that the Thai man has been too close to places only your girlfriend should go and covered in a slick of cooking oil.

Option 3 – The fish don’t use their lovely soft fins to gently sooth your aches and pains, they bite at your feet for as long as you can take it. It’s like putting your feet into a bath tub full of miniature piranhas all fighting each other for the finest morsels your toes can offer.

Massage Time

After a night time foot massage from hundreds of small hungry fish surrounded by shrieking Americans we decided to get up the next day, have a nice relaxing breakfast and then get a proper Thai massage.

We stumbled out of our sweaty non-air conditioned room and on to the Koh San Road, picked a place at random to get some fresh pineapple and a coffee and watched as a stray cat stole food from an offering on a miniature Buddha shrine.

Breakfast arrived and the pineapple looked like the bright yellow colour it normally has had drained out of the flesh some time ago. The grey fruit tasted bitter and the coffee was worse than undiluted fish sauce. Unable to eat or drink, we told the waiter we weren’t happy and didn’t want to pay. After a few minutes of argument I agreed to give them the equivalent of £1 for their troubles and we began walking towards the exit. As we left I felt something hit the back of my neck. It was a plastic ashtray – come missile, followed quickly by another which smashed onto the middle of the Koh San road thrown by the restaurant owner screaming obscenities. The owner was clearly unused to such harsh criticism.

We made our way up the road looking to see if the crazy woman was still hurling abuse, but she had retreated back into her hole and we were safe. Near the end of the road we found a stall selling fresh fruit and falafels where we finally got some bright sweet pineapple, delicious!

Now Mission Breakfast was complete, we made our way to one of the many massage parlours. I was told that some of them have games of Ping Pong to entertain the tourists, but after the morning’s action it was just the massage we were after.

We found a lovely place off the main road with a peaceful atmosphere and friendly staff. Our feet were dirty from being on the run so a lady scrubbed them clean as if I was a grubby child. From having fish peck at my feet and now a lady scrub them in the space of 24 hours – totally amazing! Although any more scrubbing and the bones may begin to wear through.

The actual massage was ubёr relaxing. We were both dressed in silky knickerbockers and lay side by side as mature Thai women used every part of their not insubstantial bodies to press, crush, rub and maul us.

By far the best part for me was the head massage. Strange as it sounds, having my skull pummelled by a Thai woman’s strong fingers led me to a state not far off ‘blissed out’.

Now that we are both fully relaxed it is time for the Malaysian GP and a few beers!